I woke up with some painful morning wood this morning. At 5pm I awoke from some bizarre dream of a completely nonsexual nature with a raging priapismesque boner and rushed to my porn machine laptop computer to relieve the painful situation but was too tired to even rub one out. I used my brain to think about non-boner inducing concepts like marriage, family, commitment, gainful employment, etc... and it went away. I ended up going to the gym and getting a decent workout.

I'll be freaking exhausted by this afternoon and tonight's New Years? Last year I made out with a strange girl in public, almost got into a fight, and drank at a bonfire kegger where I'm sure some of the attendees were not of age. I haven't lived like that since high school.

It is almost 8am. I just read the last blog and I apologize. Sometimes I type what I'm thinking at the moment whether or not it is relevant to you, the reader. I think the bumper sticker thing is important for you to know, because you'll be buying them from a website soon. I don't think that knowing I'm going to buy a tower computer (maybe if I rattled off specs or somthing?) will help you get through the day. Some of my paragraphs come from the "Who Gives a Shit?" department here at the Gooch Compound. It's the source of where everything I say to my girlfriend comes from as well.

Oh, and that Marlee Matlin reference... pretty obscure, eh? The movie idea is comedy gold. I'm thinking the Wayans Brothers should take it on.

Fuck, today is going to be boring.

Happy New Years. Comment to this post what your resolution is and I'll post it.

me:out


priapismesque?

As always... any materials you wish to send or any comments which you wish to bestow upon me... can be sent to:
gooch@goochonline.com

I've got some more bumper stickers in the works. Being checked by the printers as I write this. I've got a couple really boring jobs lined up this week. I swear to god I've created a career of watching computer progress bars go from left to right. That's what I have to look forward to tomorrow.

Thinking about getting a new tower for the office and relegating the laptop to living room/on site duties.

For Christmas, I got a pair of nice (read: nicer than I'd ever buy myself) running shoes and an iPod that receives signals from the shoes indicating distance, time, pace, etc. These are two things I truly wanted for Christmas, but giving me a pair of nice running shoes is like giving Stevie Wonder a Porsche. It'll be fun to watch at first, but won't last too long.

Someone should make a movie about a rich blind entertainer who makes millions of dollars, but his management team figures they can scam him by taking $100,000 for a Rolls Royce and really buying a$6000 used Cadillac with a Rolls Royce head piece duct taped to the hood. Instead of a Mansion, the team puts treadmills into the floor of the hallways of a small apartment to make it seem like the room's bigger. They take him to Applebees and tell him it's Morton's... all the while pocketing the extra cash. You could make a whole movie based on these highjinks.

Gotta go now... I have to read a thank you note I just got from Marlee Matlin. I sent her an iPod Shuffle for Christmas.



goochout.

I saw this video on a TV show and I had to find and post it:

Father Gets Revenge for Kidnapped Son

Went to a party last night where there was a stripper pole in the middle of the living room. Coolest thing ever. Girls fear it at first, but then are curiously drawn to it; like moths to a light. Add alcohol and, well, awesome.

Naturally, I'm hung over. Have to work today.

goochout

Britney (trainwreck) and Jamie's (teen pregnancy) Mother's book on parenting delayed indefinitely.

Lynne Spears was writing a book on raising kids? Not since Kathy Hilton got her own show teaching hillbillies "How to be a Hilton" have I heard anything so absurd. What's funnier is that Lynne Spears' publisher, Thomas Publishing, publishes "inspirational books and bibles." If Thomas will publish a parenting book from a Spears, maybe they'll publish a book on "how to meet girls" written by Andrew Luster, or a style tips book by Duane "Dog" Chapman, or a health and nutrition book by me.

goochout.

I know I should be posting to this. I started jotting notes last night for a full length column, the first in a while. It'll be funny. I think. I realize that the old columns and pictures aren't available currently. I'll work to rectify that.

G.out

Tree, 2007.

[blog I forgot to post yesterday morning]:
Finished a job this morning and now I'm taking the rest of the day off for shopping and sushi. I've seen both "No Country for Old Men" and "I Am Legend."

No Country for Old Men should be titled "No Movie for Black People." I can't imagine any black person watching this (or I Am Legend, for that matter) without screaming "Don't go in there!" or "Oh no he didn't!" about 50 times.

Truth be told, white people in their 50s are the worst in theaters. As they watch the movie, they seem to discuss the films goings-on as a collaborative group effort. Hey, old people: just because you have trouble hearing doesn't mean we can't hear every speculation and comment you have to make during the course of the show. Go out for pie and discuss it afterwards. If you absolutely can't keep your mouth shut for a solid two hours, fucking learn to whisper.

You see how a made a broad generalization about black people and then recovered by turning my attention to a white subset of the population? Genius. God Damned genius.

goochout.

sweet.

goochout.

Funniest ascii-email closing I've seen yet:

......................... /´¯/)
......................,/¯ ..//
...................../... ./ /
............./´¯/'...'/´¯ ¯`·¸
........../'/.../..../... ..../¨¯\
........('(...´(..´...... ,~/'...')
.........\............... ..\/..../
..........''...\......... . _.·´
............\............ ..(
..............\.......... ...\

So Kevin Dubrow, of Quiet Riot, died of a cocaine overdose? Might as well call it "natural causes." I want to go to his funeral and say shit like "he died doing what he loved." Nobody dies "doing what they love." Unless they love gasping for breath and screaming "I don't want to die." Or overdosing on cocaine. Then you can say that.

Played soccer tonight. We tied. It was like a victory for our team - quietly chanting "we didn't lose" as we make our way to the bar for a training table of beer and pizza.

gotta work tomorrow. goochout.

I just ordered a bunch of "I [CLUB] Baby Seals" bumper stickers, so look for one in your stocking this holiday season.

You can buy your own online at: http://www.cafepress.com/goochonline

And no... I can't get your kid a Nintendo Wii.

gooch:out

Gooch and Mike: 2007

Every night in Miami was like a time warp. It was like the movie Memento. We'd hang out, have "a couple" of drinks, then black out for a window of time, then wake up in some random location. Rental cars, park benches, apartments, stairways... It's nice to see that the maturity levels haven't improved much since high school. Here's some pictures:


Pictures of the trip/Henry's wedding from Micah

Miami: Day2

Checking in from Miami, FL. So far I've run up my biggest bar bill to date, thrown up, fallen down a flight of stairs, was almost robbed by a prostitute(?), and was almost arrested for public urination.

That all happened within six hours of my landing here.

Having a lot of fun. Mike Henry's wedding is tonight. For those of you that don't know, my public writing career started with Mike in the form of a regularly published column in the high school paper called "Gooch and Mike: The Column." He's since moved from Portland to Seattle and then to Miami, where he and his fiancee currently reside.

Josh, another Franklin High School alum ended up sharing a room with me. I slept on the floor and opened my eyes to a tiny gecko scurrying up the wall. He saved me 15% on my auto insurance, which was cool.

Later...

goochout

I didn't watch the whole video. It starts with a clip about a 15 to 1 scale Atari controller that a guy built, which is freakin' sweet. After that is some sort of "Atari Therapy" bit.

I've gotta go, I'm going to go invent a baby monitor with a snooze button. I'm tired of seeing my friends with newborns so tired.

goochout

I was at an office. I was working on installing a check scanner on a computer. I went online to download the latest drivers for the scanner. The customer's home page in Internet Explorer was set to msn.com and a news blurb had popped up:

Where were you when you heard that Kevin Dubrow was dead?

Kevin Dubrow, dead at 52. Dubrow, of course, was the lead singer for the 80s metal band Quiet Riot.

I was ten-years-old in 1984. Back then, Portland radio station KMJK 106.7 ("Magic 107; back when decimals were irrelevant due to the ubiquity of analog tuning dials) had a "top ten at 10" radio show where the top songs of the day were played. As soon as the number one song started to play, listeners could call in and the 7th caller won the album containing the number one track. Cosmic John was the DJ. Every night I would listen and I would call, only to be greeted by a busy signal or a rare answer from the DJ himself, telling me I wan't a winner.

But one night while lying in bed surrounded by Empire Strikes Back wallpaper and flanked by my hermit crab tank, I was listening to my portable tape player/radio (a generic Walkman... the iPod of the times) when "Cum On Feel the Noize" started playing. I jumped off my bed, ran through the alcove and into my parents' room (they were still downstairs), grabbed the phone, and punched away at the dial pad.

One of four outcomes could occur when calling a radio station (in order of likeliness):

1: Busy signal
2: Ringing with the false hope of getting through, only to get the recorded message that "all circuits are busy."
3: Ringing with the DJ actually answering and telling you that you've lost.
4: The Holy Grail: "Number 7, you're a winner!"

The fourth outcome had presented itself to me, finally. I was so nervous about actually talking to the DJ, in my mind likely a highly paid celebrity who is probably flown in and out of work via helicopter in an effort to avoid the throngs of fans hanging around the station.

I had won Quiet Riot's "Metal Health" album. Of course, my Dad would have to pick it up from the station after work. In my nervousness, I mis-stated my address to the DJ. I was hoping that I hadn't somehow disqualified myself from receiving such a valuable gift. Fortunately, the next evening, my Dad appeared with the album. I immediately copied the LP to cassette (my first foray into media piracy, I suppose) and listened to the tape on my portable tape player/radio combo while lying in bed surrounded by Empire Strikes Back wallpaper and flanked by my hermit crab tank.

I was watching the History Channel today in an effort to learn stuff. Turns out Adolf Hitler was a real dick. If I was Jewish, I'd never take a shower. Baths only for this Heeb. I'd wrap every shower head in my home with a plastic bag and duct tape. Soap on a rope: out. Mr Bubble: in. I'd get suspended from school for refusing to shower after PE. I'd sue and make the school district put in a clawfoot tub in the communal shower in the locker rooms. I wouldn't ride trains either. Fuck trains. Showers... trains... fool me once, motherfuckers...

goochout

Ah... thankfulness.


I'm sitting on my couch with a laptop warming my balls and a High Definition presentation of Robocop on the plasma. I wound down the longest three day work week last night drinking and partying with friends at Montego's. I spent an entire day's pay last night, which means I'll be working as a DJ Friday night to offset my irresponsible expenditures.

Going to my Aunt and Uncle's for a serious ball-breaking... I mean Thanksgiving feast. It's a typical Italian meal where everyone fucks with each other, some physical contact, and lots of food. I already wrote one joke while on the road yesterday:

Hey, [cousin's name]: I hear you were employee of the day at your new job. Oh... wait... you were employed for a day at your new job.

Last night a girl that used to dance at an upscale strip club found were way to the stage at Montego's, reputedly a "divey" strip club. Q-Ball, aka Ryan the bartender there stated that Montego's is where good strippers go to pasture. I commented that Montego's is to strippers as the showers were to the Jews. It's not that bad. We actually get a lot of hot girls before they realize that they're too good for the place. That's when we shine.

I forgot how awesome Robocop is. I'm thankful for robocop.

Um, uh... fuck?

Ex-Secret Service agent gets 2 years for stealing from elderly woman

Secret Service agent is fined, scolded for $30K fraud

Thanks to Anonymous for the tip.

I have a senior class picture hanging in my office here. I can count at least 50 people I'd pick out to be convicted of a crime before Jared Dullum.

In Other news:

Portland Police seek suspect in deadly drive-by shooting

I was at a bar last night and a girl that used to work at another bar with my ex-girlfriend told me that a guy that used to work at that bar got shot and killed. She thought I'd know him or know about the incident but I didn't so I called my ex-girlfriend's best friend, who is a manager at that bar who then called another manager and called me back and told me it was John Stewart. I still didn't know who it was. The next day I was talking to a friend of mine who told me that her daughter's uncle had been shot recently. I asked if it was John Stewart and she said yes. I told her that last night the sister of a guy that is a regular at a bar that she used to work at used to work with John Stewart and told me that he got shot and that I might know him.

Small world.

goochout

Rachel Nichols is starring in the new movie P2. It's not the sequel to 'P' or 'P1'. Like when 'Malcolm X' came out and I was trying to rent 'Malcolms' I through IX. It's named after the garage level that I always go to when I park on P1. I then get out of the elevator and pretend like I meant to go to P2 and then walk up the stairs to P1. What I just wrote has more of a plot structure than what the P2 movie's trailers demonstrate. What the movie has that this blog doesn't?

Nichols' enormous "I'm taking on serious acting roles now" cleavage.

Fixing that... right... now:



I just saved you a $9 movie ticket. $18 if you were going to take a date. But you weren't. So, it's $9.

goochout.

Seen this before. Thought I'd post it. - gooch

It's refreshing to see an interview subject call someone to task the way Jerry Seinfeld did with Larry King this week.

CNN: Toy contaminated with 'date rape' drug pulled

After reading this story, you may ask yourself the question "Why were the kids in Australia eating "large quantities" of the tainted Aqua Dot toys?" At least it answers my girlfriend's question as to why little toy balls keep appearing in her food.

I'm going back to bed.

goochout.

Writers' Strike Halts Some TV Production

Maybe we should put the striking television writers in a reality show. We should make them do challenges and demean themselves in an effort to a) entertain us, and b) show them that most reality shows that they came up with/ stole from someone else are stupid.

Kim Kardashian is out promoting her Playboy issue. I can imagine hundred(s) of people rushing out to get a magazine for pictures they've already seen on the internet. Or to see "artistic" pictures of a girl that did this video:


I think there's more demand for the edited out uriphilia (read: peeing on Kim) footage of Vivid Video's KimK release than airbrushed pictures in Playboy. I think the social conscious has evolved into hardcore so much that I've actually read Playboy for the articles. Maybe it's just my social consciousness.

I saw Kim's step dad Bruce Jenner on a judge show called "Jury Duty" with judge Bruce Cutler (the 'teflon' of John Gotti's teflon don mystique) . This show tries cases decided on by celebrities such as Todd Bridges, Elayne Boosler, Paula Poundstone, Kevin Sorbo, and Linda Blair as well as others. You see how I said "celebrities" without italics or quotations? Self control. That's what that was. And I'm still buzzed from last night and I'm sarcasm numbed. I looked twice and indeed the show was created in 2007, not 1987.

Two things about Bruce Jenner: 1) His website is so self serving that it's laughable. Go to his website and think about him sitting in his den and writing the flash intro. And apparently medical science has not mastered the art of plastic surgery:


He needs hair reduction surgery, if you aks me.

Do you think that rappers saying "y'all better aks somebody" was just a typo that stuck?

Happy Birthday, Ryan/Q-Ball.

goochout.

Kim Kardashian Playboy pics HERE

Working today. Just thought I'd give a glimpse into my work world.

Far left: parts computers. Left computer on desk: Office computer in use since 2001. Top of rack: two workbench monitors. On bench: LCD test monitor and customer's work computer getting an AVG Rescue Disk virus scan. Note the can of Rockstar on a USB powered can cooler given to me by Gresgster for my birthday this year.

I went and saw American Gangster last night. I'm sick and have all but lost my voice, so a movie seemed like a good idea over strip club DJing.

At the time.

What the fuck is going on at the theaters? Why am I paying $9 a ticket to sit in a crowded room with five simultaneous cell phone conversations occurring while someone smokes a joint? In addition, the projectionist didn't know what he was doing and thus the boom microphones were visible often enough during the movie that it detracted from my enjoyment of the film. Is this what I paid for? If Regal Cinemas' business is showing movies, then they have no idea what they're doing. They certainly don't know enough that they should be taking $9 a ticket.

Nowadays, the period of time prior to showing the movie is not only filled with trailers, but advertisements and public service announcements. The PSAs admonish viewers not to pirate movies or music. They say that it's stealing. I have had a DVD quality copy of American Gangster on a computer hooked up to my plasma TV for the last week. I didn't watch it because I figured that American Gangster would be such a good movie that I would enjoy watching it in a theater. I won't make that mistake again. I can't blame the theaters so much for the smoke and the cell phone users, but fucking up the projection is unforgiveable.

If theaters would stop raising movie ticket prices and pay a little more attention to their operations, then piracy wouldn't be so rampant. The music industry doesn't get it, either. I thought that digital music would lower the price of music through a natural economic phenomenon. However, I was at Starbucks and a point of sale display sold a card for $15 with a key to download the new K.T. Tunstall album. So, instead of buying a CD that you could rip to your computer... or at least listen to once you got into the car... you get barely a tangible product for your money. Music companies are losing money to piracy, but they've been artificially fixing prices of CDs for years. Now, their cost of production (no CD manufacturing) has shrunk dramatically, but the price of music is increasing.

Media piracy is stealing. I do it. A lot of people do. If the legitimate media outlets made their products inexpensive (and good) enough, they would completely pull the rug from under the piracy "industry." I would rather enjoy a movie in a theater the way it was meant to be. Until I find a reasonably priced theater that won't piss/rip me off?

Fuck 'em.

Tucker Chapman.

"Dog" Chapman's son sold tape to Enquirer

I'm never having kids.

I know what the "N-word" means and I know its historical and social significance. Perhaps the word has evolved into a new meaning:

Early Retirement.

Maybe "Dog," Imus, Kramer, and... um... anyone else that has been economically damaged by their use of the n-word should go hang out in a bar somewhere. In the South. Where they'd, you know, be the "smart sounding" ones. And Gods. They'd be Gods there, too.

South Park should re-shoot the "With Apologies to Jesse Jackson" episode. I honestly believe that I can relate any socio-political event to an episode of South Park. I can quote South Park the way some preachy motherfuckers quote the bible.

Screw you guys... I'm going to the gym.

goochout.

click me. heh.

CNN: Duane "Dog" Chapman Apologizes for Using N-Word.

He's apologizing for using the word in a "private" conversation and wants people to note the context in which it was stated. He's afraid that because him and his family use that word that his son's girlfriend might hear it and tell the Enquirer. There isn't too many ways to sugar-coat that.

The context in which it was stated was that he was saying that they use the n-word a lot. Sort of damning evidence. It's funny that he called Al Sharpton already. Like Sharpton has a
'white celebrities who use the n-word' hotline. Why does everyone apologize to him? Like he's the president of Black America. Was Jesse Jackson too busy molesting the english language to take Chapman's call?

UPDATE: Link to referenced Sara Rue letter HERE

Fuck yeah. Bootleg Kardassian pics rocked me into the four digits for the first time, ever. It makes everything I write seem meaningless. I mean, if pilfered pictures of porn make my site (celebrating its 8th year this month) a player in the blog world and increase my hit count by 10-fold, then my writing (ahem) career seems hollow. You mean, jokes like "mahaloween" and fucking your clone being considered "masturbation" didn't bring the browsers in droves? Some rich chick with a fat ass and an amateur porn rocketed me (for one day) into d-list celebrity blog status?

Sweet.

A reference to Denise Austin yields me a bunch of hits (wtf?). Also Jared Dullum, my former classmate and valedectorian turned Jersey slumlord (allegedly... it's funny to think of a guy as nice as him in that way, but I've gotten plenty of correspondence stating so). Use the search box at the top of the page to find more crap to waste your work day reading.




You get it? I spelled her name Kardassian instead of Kardashian. That's top notch humor. I've tried watching her reality show. It is the most boring drivel ever. My life is more interesting. It really is. Her mom and step dad look like they belong in a documentary about plastic surgery horror stories. Her sisters look like the girls that cock block the guys hitting on their friends at the club only because they're jealous that no one wants to fuck them. I of course, look like the guy that would bat cleanup in that situation.

goochout.

Kim Kardashian Playboy Pictures.

I've never forgiven myself for failing to bring you the Vanessa Hudgens pic before it got taken down. I saw that the Kim Kardashian pictures had surfaced and that the legal notices had been getting issued to the sites that posted them. I'm WAY under the radar, so if you give a shit...




Click on the thumbnail to make it bigger. I wish I could do that with my penis, which looks like a thumbnail of an actual penis no matter what you do to it. I don't know why Playboy pictures of Kardashian are such a big deal:

#1, She's appeared in a porno already. Playboy is showing the world something that everyone has seen and didn't have to go to a 7-11 to do so.

#2: The pictures are so heavily photoshopped and airbrushed that it doesn't even look like her. What's the point? Pay her half price to put her head on a different body.

#3: She's the daughter of a rich dead guy that's actually slutted her way to stardom. That's it. She's Paris Hilton, sort of. There's a difference. I can't think of it. Different STDs maybe?

I'll take these down at the first sign of legal trouble, FYI. It'll be like Sara Rue all over again.

Enjoy.

goochout.

I remember having a bunch of these when I was a kid. I thought it was sort of douchie that they were badass 4x4s and, oh yeah, they also travelled on two wheels like every car stunt during the 70s and 80s. Have you noticed that cars no longer do that bullshit two side wheel trick anymore?

goochout

From an email sent this morning to a friend:
Burying my face into a laptop catching up on work. Heh, I guess I could be talking about the computer job or the strip club job.

I'm in catchup mode right now as a lot of work didn't get done while I was in Hawaii and my bank account took quite a hit as resort life is a party and the checkout invoice is a motherfucking hangover. From now on, every time your computer breaks and I fix it (and you pay the invoice) an angel gets his or her wings. Or something. Yeah... limited time offer.

I shouldn't even be blogging this shit right now. I should be, you know, working. While in Hawaii, I saw a few episodes of Law and Order as they were doing a marathon on USA. Today I read an absolutely pointless article about my future ex wife Mariska Hargitay. Apparently she was in Hawaii during the same time I was. Stalking psycho bitch. Leave me alone. And by leave me alone, I mean call me.

Slowest News Day EVER! Hargitay: Is there something on besides 'L&O'?

I'm listening to the new Kanye album right now. I got it off of Bittorrent last night. Comcast has been fucking with the bittorrent service, which pisses me off and sets a dangerous precedent for ISPs. I'll have you know that there are perfectly legitimate uses for p2p services. I have no idea what they are, but someone does. Restore Net Neutrality! Fight The Power!

Just chilling on day five in Maui. We've been hanging out a lot in Kihei. It's a beautiful stretch filled with great restaurants and uncrowded beaches. It's also the only place to where we know how to drive.

I'm drinking Red Bull and planning the next step. We're going to try to find a Luau. It's expensive out here. I think that "mahalo" is really an ancient Polynesian word meaning "cash or credit."

If we stayed longer, we'd be here for mahaloween. We'd also go to the shooting range to shoot mahalo-point bullets. We'd go to church and say "Our Father, who art in Heaven, mahalo'd be thy name."

The Grand Wailea is awesome. I'll never ever stay here again. Even if I was rich, I could never justify spending $5.75 on a can of Red Bull (yes... without vodka). $4.25 for a cup of Diet Coke (without Jack Daniels), $6.00 for a snow cone, $12 for a mai-tai, $14.50 for a hot dog. You get the idea.

I lost my wallet on the plane, so I've been sponging off my Dad for spending money. It's a lot like high school. Okay, it's a lot like college.

It's a lot like last week.

goochout.

P.S. Any word on the Jared Dullum trial? Someone posted a comment asking about it.

I sort of remember this guy, but he's dead. He was a part of my high school years; he sounds like the Franklin High School version of Radio. Except, well, white. And not as annoying.

Obituary for Dave Gemma

Aloha, fuckers.

Relaxing in Hawaii. On my fifth sea breeze as I type this. Just received a comment on an old blog. Is there any life in this story? Any updates? What the fuck is up? Anyone?

Jared Dullum Indictment Blah Blah Blah...

I'm buzzed.

goochout.

Michael Vick's House for Sale (Realtor Listing)

No mention of a dog run, or fighting pit anywhere on the page.

Eh.

goochout

CNN: Nobel-winning biologist apologizes for remarks about blacks; Also looks identical to the "Preacher" in Poltergeist 2.

Nobel laureate biologist Jim Watson told the Sunday Times he was "inherently gloomy about the prospect of Africa" because "all our social policies are based on the fact that their intelligence is the same as ours, whereas all the testing says not really."

During a lecture tour in 2000, he suggested there might be links between a person's weight and their level of ambition and between skin color and sexual prowess."That's why you have Latin lovers," he said, according to The Associated Press, which cited people who attended the lecture. "You've never heard of an English lover. Only an English patient."

In a British TV documentary that aired in 2003, Watson suggested stupidity was a genetic disease that should be treated.

I'll agree with him on the third one. On the second: I'm fat and white and all I want to do is this blog and jerk off and go back to bed. Now if he'd just leave Carol Anne the fuck alone.

What a hot piece of ass! Oh, and Portia de Rossi, too.

At first I was intrigued about the Ellen Degeneres pet adoption, um, scandal. I mean it was kind of cool that a celebrity was made to follow rules regarding, well, anything. After reviewing the case (heavy research, like TMZ and Google) I think I'd rather Orlando Bloom get a breathalyzer after a hit and run than Ellen be punished for genuinely caring about animals.

Official Statement from Petfinder/Mutts and Moms

Moot petition to "Free Iggy"

More Ellen Crap

Marina Batkis, owner of Mutts and Moms receives threats!

The last headline fascinates me. Who the fuck is so pissed off that they'll burn a person's business down? Who cares about Ellen so much? The answer: Housewives who sit at home all day watching daytime television. Housewives burn dinner, they do not burn buildings. Batkis should have a pesticide sprayer airplane filled with Bon Bons shower the area suburbs with the chocolatey goodness to keep threats at bay.

From an email received last night:

Saw your bumper sticker 'I [club] baby seals' on a 90's Honda last month.

Those bumper stickers (and other crap) are still available from the STORE.

I'm getting some more bumper stickers made. These will say different things that I think are funny. Oh, and they'll be affordableI like good bumper stickers. I guess it's because I like brevity and getting a joke in a 4" x 8" sticker is the ultimate in concise jokstering.



Leaving for Hawaii in a few days. Mahalo, indeed.

Aloha, bitches.

goochout.

Here's an interior shot of an Hummer H1 Alpha. What irony in that a car named after a blow job is designed to make it impossible to receive one while you're driving it.

goochout.

Alcoholics are funny. They can be complete degenerates one minute and preachy "recovering" assholes in some "program" the next. You can be drunk and snorting lines of coke off of a dead hooker in a strip club parking lot with someone and a week later you'll be hanging out with the same guy in the woods while he spouts about how "sobriety has freed him" and how great his life is and how he takes his life "one day at a time" and all you can think is "Hey, dickhead, shut up and start digging. This week-old dead hooker is starting to smell and she's not going to bury herself."

Gooch: founding member of the D-Generation.

I love that when I go to the store and buy three produce items with a net weight of... say... a pound, they always offer help out to the car. I bought a 90 pound shelf system today and they didn't offer shit for help.

Fuckers.

You see, D-Generation relates to X Generation or Y Generation, but when you say it, it sounds like degeneration. That's the joke.

goochout.

Fucked news of the day: Cop Sues Victim's Family

This is funny. You can make lists on Amazon.com and I found one that I made in 2001. "Live Like the Gooch With These Things." Gooch: still douchie after all these years!

Live Like The Gooch... Amazon 2001

This whole page from Geekologie is great/tragic. Some people built a life sized replica of an X-Wing fighter with rocket boosters attached to the wings (known as Y-foils, to total geeks like me)... well just click the link and play the video.

X-Wing post from Geekologie

How many Dungeons and Dragons games did not get played while this thing was being built, I wonder.

goochout.

Here's the new Britney Spears video. In the video she portrays a stripper as well as a patron at a strip club (the distinction being the outfit and the hair color). The video is obviously an allegorical study into Ms. Spears dualist existence as a club goer and a slut. If I begged and pleaded, I could maybe get her a shift at Montego's, where I sometimes DJ. She'd be the kind of stripper that bitches about what order I play her songs. I threw baby wipes (the ad-hoc shower of choice by strippers around the world) at the screen the entire time I watched the video. She keeps saying "Gimme More," I was just assuming she wanted a cleansing product. You know, because she's dirty. She should make a video of her taking care of her kids. It's pretty much what the entire world is craving from her at this point. More clothes, less Jack in the Box, more parenting, less Jack Daniels, more underwear, less driving.


Aww... remember when it was okay to jerk off to a 17-year-old?

Evan: I heard she got breast reduction surgery.
Seth: What? That's like slapping God across the face for giving you a beautiful gift.
Evan: She had back problems, man.

I've been told that I remind people of Seth (Jonah Hill) in "Superbad." Someone told my girlfriend that she and I reminded her of Doug and Carrie from "King of Queens."



Because, you know, I'm funny like Kevin James. That's how my GF explained it to me. It's not because the show is about a fat dude with a hot wife. Which is what "According to Jim" is about. Which is what every sitcom on CBS is about. It's because I'm funny. That's it (girls snickering while martini glasses clink). If anyone knows of any other fat celebrities I remind them of, feel free to let me know. John Candy? Raymond Burr? Go ahead and push the bottle closer to my mouth.

Speaking of drinking to excess, I'm going to Reno this weekend for the Eldorado Italian Festival. Should be fun as always. I'll try to keep the blood alcohol level in the single digits.


Hayden Pannetierre is a hot chick. That's cool. She knows she's a hot chick, that's not cool. She's a chick that knows she's a hot chick and then acts like she doesn't think she is a hot chick. That's really uncool. I guess I'd need a hot chick that doesn't think she's a hot chick. I'd need a hot blind chick. Like Laura Dern in Mask.

Except, um... hot.

goochthefuckout

What's up, Lee?

This morning, like a mad scientist, I worked and worked until I modified a router to act like one of those hotel/coffee shop wireless access points. I didn't do anything requiring much intelligence, except for googling the shit out of the project. I still have to check my security p's and q's before I unleash it to customers. When you attempt to access my wireless connection, you get this page: GATEWAY SPLASH PAGE.

This is fun, click HERE for a funny video.

In the last post, I noted that my remote control's batteries were dead. Turns out that wasn't the case. A red neon sign recently installed in my office was interfering with the infrared signal on the remote. That could have taken me minutes or weeks to figure out. Glad it was minutes.

gotta go to work.

goochout.

I'm in hell.

I know what hell is, and I'm in it. I'll list my argument as to why I know this:

1: I'm paying bills.
2: The movie "Mannequin" is on TV.
3: The remote control batteries are dead and the cable box has no manual channel controls.

Movies from the 80s suck. According to 80s movies, dancing around in a trenchcoat and sunglasses is cool. The mere act of wearing sunglasses makes you suddenly hip and cool. Tom Cruise in Risky Business comes to mind. Too bad for him, sunglasses don't make you sane. Or straight.

And was there some film maker's code stating that every movie made in the 80s had to have a music video styled montage? This is only cool if it happens during a Rocky movie. That's it. That's the rules.

So I'm forced to watch or hear Mannequin starring Kim Cattrall. The movie was made in 1987, so that makes her about 45 when it was filmed.

Happy Birthday, YMike.

goochout

Man flashes jogger at Wood Village park


Awesome. This park is adjacent to my condo complex and is in fact where I frequently jog. And by frequently, I mean once a week. Lately, if that.

Wood Village is a small town. I'm likely a suspect. She was able to see the penis from about 20 feet away, so I'll quickly be ruled out. If I'd said "hey, wait, look" like the flasher in the article, she would have stopped, walked closer and squinted her eyes toward my groin before screaming "holy shit, that's a penis."

MIT student arrested at Logan in bomb scare

"She said it was a piece of art and she wanted to stand out on career day," Pare said. "She was holding what was later found to be playdough."

From the idiot's website: "In a sentence, I'm an inventor, artist, engineer, and student, I love to build things and I love crazy ideas"

Strike 1: Her name is "Star"
Strike 2: She states that she loves "crazy ideas"
Strike 3: She states that she's an artist.

We've got a level 5 hippie on our hands. The only thing more threatening to our way of life than, say, Al-Quaeda, is a dirty fucking hippie.

I don't understand... the police could have shot her. They had an open shot... they had justification. How hard would it be to get four police officers to get the story of "she appeared to reach for a detonation button" straight?

The police probably could have closed their eyes, aimed and shot her. You see, the hippie can organize rallies, protests, and exist without gainful employment for months at a time... but they seldom shower.

I've been working with/for Gregster this week at an office where I spent most of last year as a consultant. I'm currently covering for a network administrator who is on vacation attending, as the netadmin put it, his "brother's first marriage."

Kim Kardashian is posing for Playboy, scheduled to be the cover girl on the December issue. Who is she, really? She has a rich Dad that was on the OJ "dream team" of defense attorneys that helped enable OJ to be at large to commit more crimes. That's it. I think she was an interior designer. She then had a sex tape with Ray Jay (Brandy's brother) mysteriously get released to the public. So, she's an interior designer d-list starfucker with a rich dad.



With a great big ass.

Need to do an office lap now. Solving problems. Kicking ass.

I DJ tonight at the strip club, FYI.

Montego's: 158th and Division. Pornland, Oregon.

gooch:out

Fossett's searchers working credible leads

Steve Fossett has flown around the world in a balloon, flown around the world in a plane without refueling, and a whole bunch of other crazy shit. He was in a small plane looking for a place to break the land speed record when he disappeared. That's as if Dale Earnhardt had died driving to the grocery store or if Hugh Hefner, after a lifetime of fucking hot chicks, died of a fast moving strain of AIDS after (ahem) starfucking Rosie O'Donnell. I mean, someone like Fossett should die in a blaze of glory, not looking for a place to achieve it. Oregon has deployed some planes to help in the search. Previous efforts to find Fossett has found several other missing aircraft. These aircraft and their pilots, I'm sure, were not searched for as intensively as the millionaire Fossett's craft has been.

OJ arrested on theft charges

OJ has stated that "the truth will come out." This may give publishers another chance not to published an OJ penned book. "If I Did It...2" could be the first unpublished sequel to an unpublished book.

Classic Inchworm for sale at Hammacher Schlemmer
$70 for an item I had as a child? I had one of these and I know it didn't cost $70 even in 1970s currency. 1970s currency which of course had Gabe Kaplan on the dollar bill and Peter Frampton on the $5. Strange times indeed.

Check out this douchie-douche. Some jokes are fucking hilarious... this being one of them. The guy's going to be the funniest guy at the soup kitchen, I guarantee it. Apparently this broadcast live.

Click here for the video: WEATHERMAN NIPPLE VIDEO

I've done a little research on the whole Wal-Mart/Big Box store phenomenon and how it has caused the downfall of the small business in communities. Wal-Mart, for so many reasons, sucks. However, most communities don't have Joe the grocer, Sam the butcher, and Eddie the produce guy. I don't think there are any non-box stores in our neighborhoods. I mean, I like Trader Joe's but even it's getting a bit corporate and playing to the hippie chic crowd that feels better about themselves simply because they spent an extra $2 a pound on "organic" produce. I live about a mile from a Wal-Mart and shop there only because the only local "small" businesses it's hurting are Fred Meyer and Safeway. I'm sure that those two stores alone put some independent business people out of business, and I'm sure no one made a documentary about that.

South Park wins Emmy for "World of Warcraft" episode.

Fucking sweet. I downloaded and watched this episode while in PDX after missing a flight. Good stuff.

goochout.

So, Britney Spears bombs at the Video Music Awards? Everyone except the VMA producers saw that coming, didn't they? Nope... the producers knew what was going to happen. They knew she wasn't prepared. They probably paid her bar tab when she partied the night before the show. Everyone knows Spears is a psycho out-of-shape has been. Her antics have sold more celebrity sleaze magazines than any phenomenon as of late (I've even bought a few) and MTV seemed to think her performance was headliner worthy? No other talent was more qualified to open the VMAs?

MTV knew what they were doing. They did the same thing that US Weekly, OK, Star, In Touch, and others (the ones listed are the only ones currently on my coffee table) are doing: exploiting the mentally ill to make money.

Hey Britney, with that body and that outfit I could probably get you a day shift at Montego's.

Probably.


Making her way up to the main stage... indeed.

goochout.

I'm out of my fucking mind. I almost downloaded the nude picture of Vanessa Hudgens that has been propagating around the internet, but I didn't care enough to do so. Now that I've decided to comment on it, it's too late. Who the fuck is she? She's in High School Musical and dating Zac Efron, another HSM cast member who is on the cover of every magazine right now. She's a Disney Channel alum. She's apologizing for taking the private nude pictures.

Unless you're dating me, NEVER take nude pictures of yourself. Especially in the digital age.Someone might but I'll sure as shit use those pictures for evil. Even if you put them in a safe place. Even I've got a DVD floating around somewhere. True Story. The Superficial had the nude picture up, but took it down due to lawyer requests according to the site. I'd put it up, since I haven't had any lawyer issues since the Sara Rue incident.

But if you're on Disney, shouldn't you take extra care in not having nude pictures turn up. I guess this is like Annette Funicello winding up spread eagle in a Polaroid. I watched the old Mickey Mouse Club shows when I was a kid. I hated Annette because she was such a god damned goody two-shoes. I bet she was an absolute gang-banging three-input slut. Yeah, that's it... where's the 8MM footage of that?

Someone email the original Vanessa Hucaresgens nude to me.

Vanessa Hudgens in nude scandal

goochout

goochpourri...

I had my palm read while at the coast this week. I thought it was all bullshit and I even thought that going into the room with the gypsy lady and my girlfriend's $20 (I'm not paying for this shit). Once the door shut and me and the scammer were across the table from each other with my palms out for her to read (you masturbate with... your... right... hand... heh) I started to sweat profusely at the thought that maybe this broad actually has a window into my soul. She gave me the basic info like "you've been unappreciated and put down your entire life" and told me shit that I wanted to hear "you will come into a large sum of money... your income will double..."

So I started making collection calls this week on some past due accounts. Hopefully she's spooky accurate.

I'm the type of person who writes about the type of person that begins every other sentence with "I'm the type of person." If you're that type of person... stop it. It's annoying.

Halle Berry is pregnant. The older the Berry, the sweeter the juice. Heh. She's 41 and I'm 33, yet despite our age we've decided to keep the child. What? Not mine? Fuck it. One of my ex-girlfriends from way back has a child with a weight problem and a therapist. I keep looking at him like... naw... no, impossib... naw... unh uh...

I'm sure I don't have any kids out there.



The Virgin Galactic Spaceport conceptual illustration has been released. I think more buildings should look like vaginas. What's more inviting than a giant vulva? Vagina... Virgin... I get it. I think the entryways to buildings and homes should look like this. My ex girlfriend's vagina actually looked like a revolving door (or at least acted like one)... I'll email any architect a digital picture if it will help in the design of my building entry concept. I could probably email a picture of my ex girlfriend's vagina to a random email address and the recipient would reply with a message stating "wait... I know her."

Fuck.

Gotta go to work.

GoochOut.

I was reading a story in the Oregonian about an 18 year old girl who was allegedly killed by her 37 year old boyfriend. The girl is named Emily Egan and the Man is Paul Frizzelle. It's kind of creepy, but I searched and found a MySpace page obscurely referenced in the article. The dead girl has left comments on his page and is the first friend on his "top eight." Her page is set to "private," so I've submitted a friend request. I'm assuming it won't be answered. Her mood is set in perpetuity to "tired." I'm a dick for even pointing that out.


Oregonian Story: Videographer is Arraigned in Teenager's Death

Local News Daily Story: Body found in Southwest apartment has been identified

MySpace Page for Pettygrove Productions

Emily Egan's Private MySpace Page

I'm tapping this. No, really... even I'm a step up from Chris Robinson. I don't know, maybe she has glaucoma. Fuck it. Did I mention that I'm tapping this? (Old picture, dated caption)

Hi, I'm Owen Wilson. I'm known as the "Butterscotch Stallion" because of my hair and complexion, plus I'm reputed in Hollywood as having a big dick. This public knowledge has enabled me to fuck the hell out of tons of movie stars (like Kate Hudson) and normal chicks alike; despite the fact that my nose looks like a kid's Play-Doh creation and I have a voice that melts concrete. Every movie I'm in is fucking funny and has made me a ton of money. Oh, yeah... I'm rich too.

So, I decided to try to end it this week. Cut my wrist, took some pills, called it good.

Fuck him. If Owen Wilson tries to kill himself, then I should find a way to go back in time and off myself right after high school. That was the time that my potential was greatest. At my funeral, people would comment that "he was taken from us so young... he could have been a doctor or a lawyer."

In reality and ironically, those are the two professions I've required most since I graduated high school.

Bite me, Owen Wilson. Sorry life was so fucking good for you. Try not to get a blow job in the recovery ward... wouldn't want you to slip deeper into depression.

Where's my xanax?

goochout.

I recently went through a period of time where I felt like I had experienced an epiphany in which I learned that maybe I am not always right and that I had a lot to learn when it comes to dealing with people (and not writing run-on sentences).

I've determined that I'm right more often than previously thought.

Check out Greg's new radio show on his blog.

Check out AtariAge.com

goochout.

What I did over the weekend:

Played a drinking game, drank hot sauce out of a bottle on a dare, sang "Don't You Want Me Baby" on karaoke... badly, played drums in a drum circle, sold bread, biscotti, and coffee at the Festa Italiana, accidentally threw my new Treo 700wx cell phone into a garbage can and poured water on top of it, emailed, Drank my weight in wine, vodka, and whiskey, wrote checks, ignored responsibilities, laundry, watched Entourage, blogged...

So, is this a new "Got Milk" ad or the cover of the next "Barely Legal" magazine?

An abstract piece of art wherein the woman represents Hayden Pannetierre and the glass of milk symbolizes my penis.

I had Chinese food last night and when I opened the fortune cookie, all it said was:

"In Bed."

Completely threw me off.



I saw this clip on "The Soup" and thought you'd like it.

I'm assuming that the guy was taking a crap in a field and a donkey saw the man's exposed ass, got a huge boner (see the video), and tried to screw him.

Talk about getting ass fucked!

Wow, Gooch. Didn't see that coming. It's a donkey, so you had to throw an "ass" reference in there. Couldn't keep it highbrow, eh? Remember when you used to write content and not copy and paste everything you found amusing? This is why people like you better when you're drunk.

Hayden Panettiere is 18 today. It's okay to jerk off to her now.



You sick fucks.

DJ'd at Montego's Saturday night. I stayed relatively sober. The strippers got drunk. One of them vomited in the dressing room, which wasn't a catastrophe except for the fact that the dressing room is next to the DJ booth. The girl apologized for being so drunk, but I couldn't really expect her to stay coherent for more than three hours into her six hour shift.

I'm eating Hot Tamales candy right now. I'm always trying to avoid sugar, but damn I love Hot Tamales.

Is it okay if I don't like Nickelback? I mean, you can, but I'll do without. Thanks!

Holy fucking shit... do the news stations love anything more than a hurricane? Is there nothing else going on in the world that we need up to the minute reports that it's raining and windy somewhere in Mexico? The only thing that would make CNN happier is if a Panda was somehow born in the middle of the storm. That's what they need. A hurricane over a zoo where a panda is being born in a bathroom stall next to the one in which Lindsay Lohan is doing cocaine on a mirror propped on Anna Nicole Smith's corpse.

goochout.

I was watching The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning last night and actually turned it off because it grossed me out. I was even on my second glass of wine and a Xanax but I'd had enough. I guess I have to be in a mood for horror films. Didn't used to be. Jesus... the pussification of Gooch is almost complete.

Working at Montego's this Saturday and I am with everyone when I say I really, really, absolutely hope that the girls are hot. I do plan on getting loaded. With alcohol. The club won't know whether to offer me more shifts or get a restraining order. I love walking that fine line.

Happy birthday Robert DeNiro.

goochout.

I'm actually smiling in this picture. Really. Ground Kontrol 08.14.07

You know that scene in Office Space where Peter is in the trance and goes to work in flip flops and flippant attitude towards work? That was my entire day yesterday. I took an hour's worth of work and stretched it to a full day.

I have remote access to email and my two office computers, which helped. I slept in, went to a convenience store and picked up a Diet Pepsi, got to a residential customer where I sat and bullshitted so much that although I did a kickass job, only charged half rate. I then went to lunch and chatted away with a random girl at the bar. I went to the office and bullshitted with some people at the tattoo parlor down the hall, printed out invoices, visited my Dad at his office (and stole postage off his office's meter to send out the aforementioned invoices), visited Mom at her office, went to Ground Kontrol downtown and played Punch Out, Track and Field, Star Wars, Mortal Kombat, Q*Bert, Pole Position, Frogger, and Joust. I was so happy. So fucking happy. From there I went to a meeting at an Italian restaurant, then went to Montego's and picked up a possibly defective hard drive. Oh, and drank a bunch of Three Olives vodka (sampling different flavors).

I'll be at Montego's on 158th and Division this Saturday.

This is me... REALLY not wanting to get out of bed. Seriously on the procrastination tip this morning. Would explain the fact that I'm typing this and not, say, in the shower. Aren't you glad I got a camera with a built in phone? More unnecessary pictures of me throughout the blogosphere. I haven't annoyed myself this much since I had the web cam.


"There's no sin in taking money from sinners."

I heard that on Big Love, a recorded episode of which I watched last night. I could would love to make a career out of that philosophy. Many already have.

Speaking of which... Montego's on 158th and Division (Portland) this Saturday.

goochout.

From IMDB:

Hustle & Flow star Terrence Howard refuses to date women who don't use moistened tissue on visits to the toilet - as they are "not completely clean." The Oscar-nominated actor insists potential female suitors must not rely solely on toilet tissues in the bathroom, and even goes to the trouble of advising any partners to make the switch to baby wipes if they don't already use them. He tells Elle magazine, "If they're using dry paper, they aren't washing all of themselves. It's just unclean. So if I go inside a woman's house and see the toilet paper there, I'll explain this. And if she doesn't make the adjustment to baby wipes, I'll know she's not completely clean."



I've employed the moistened towlettes at the crib for a couple years now. A girl I dated commented on them as she crawled into bed stating that she likes the towlettes because they [her words] "help me feel clean after taking a shit."



I wonder if Terrence Howard is dating classy girls like that?

Speaking of outer southeast Portland strippers, I'm working this Saturday, August 18, at Montego's as a strip club DJ.

Again.

Montego's - maps.google.com
15826 SE Division St, Portland - (503) 761-7293
Directions and more »

I should have accomplished so much this morning and I haven't done shit. I haven't felt well, though. I'm in the process of planning moving my bedroom into the bigger bedroom and my office in the smaller bedroom (where my bed currently resides). This will allow me to get the king size bed I desire and utilize my space better. IKEA coming to Portland and my girlfriend has inspired this somewhat.

Removing my existing bed is a scary thought. Only God knows what will be found under the bed. It will be like unearthing an archaeological site of sexual immorality, deviance and indecency that would make Caligula himself blush. I won't even take this passage any further. Why did I even start it?

Gregster has a podcast up on his site. I haven't made it all the way through because I was distracted by a finished download of porn.

goochout.

I saw a comic strip where a guy thinks about what he has in his life and responds "At least I have my old Atari 2600."

I too have my old Atari 2600. I have several. I also have (pictured) an Atari 2600 Jr., two VIC-20s, a Commodore +4, and two Commodore 64s (boxed), an Atari Super Pong, a few Radio Shack Electronic Scoreboards (pong with a gun game), Ricochet (pong with a rifle game), an Atari 2600 in its game case with two coveted Wico joysticks, and 180 Atari 2600 cartridges without duplicates (240 with dupes, I think).

Just another reason why it's so fucking hard not to have sex with me.

goochout.

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

911 Tapes Released In Six Flags Accident That Severed Girl's Feet

July 13, 2007: Ky. park sued over girl's severed feet

August 6, 2007: Benefit at O'Shea's for girl injured at Ky. Kingdom

In late June, a girl riding the Superman ride at Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom had her feet severed after a cable snapped and wrapped around her legs.

She recently returned to the park and, adding insult to injury, was told that she was no longer tall enough to get on most of the rides.

Wow, Gooch, really timely joke. Only took you a month and a half to pull off that gem. Very classy. You suck.

Thinking about picking up another DJing shift. It'll be a night of passion and romance. I was there last night having a drink and you know how I always say that I drink Red Bulls and vodka because it doesn't give you hangovers? I was wrong.

Did I just see Gary Coleman doing a payday loan commercial? He has to be looking for a time machine to go back to 1984. Like in Napoleon Dynamite.

Who's Your Caddy looks entirely unfunny... it stars the principal from Ferris Bueller that got caught with child porn. Between that and the weight gain, he's full of wonderful career choices. See Gary Coleman, above.

Rush Hour 3? I've heard ads on the radio for it and the jokes are awful. So... Chris Tucker is a black guy and he can't understand Jackie Chan and there's a "height requirement" for being black and he's going to cut people up into "California rolls" and more bad cliches. I can barely make it through the commercials because they're like a laugh vacuum, the movie can only be worse.

As soon as this hangover subsides, I'm going to the gym. Or drinking again. Who knows.

goochout

This is the bridge that I wished I was standing on while I was verbally berated last night.

Picture two girls arriving at my house at 2:30am after a few drinks. Picture them telling me that I'm "being an asshole." When I point out that I haven't said anything, Picture them saying that I "have a way of being an asshole without saying anything."

I have to wake up every day and come to terms with the fact that I'm ME.

Shout out to the people in Argentina who visit my site.

I'll try to update more, now that my stats prove that my friends think I'm an asshole, but people in foreign countries like Mexico, Canada, Argentina, and Troutdale, OR visit my site regularly.

goochout.

I'm through with this...

...is not something that "comedienne" Monique would say at a buffet, but is truly my thoughts on obese women deciding to latch on to this untalented hack in an effort to excuse their deviant behavior.

Mo'Nique, another fat African-American woman in entertainment who happens to have a French sounding apostrophied name (a Jack'ee for the 2000s), has made a career from movies and television shows celebrating, well, obesity.

Oh, I'm 100% for self acceptance and high self esteem. Loving yourself for who you are does NOT include overindulging on food and celebrating the fact that you have health issues. Monique actually hosts television shows where she encourages fat, phat, F.A.T., whatever, girls to love their bulges and their "thighs that rub together and keep their coochie cat warm" (something I heard her say in a clip from The Soup.")

What a great concept! Take a group of deviant people, such as the obese and give them a celebrity role model who tells them that it's okay to eat whatever they want. I should just come out as Gooch'ique and tell alcoholics that it's okay to be the way they are and that society shouldn't make them feel bad about it. Alcoholics and fat people should accept themselves for what they are? Alcohol and food are addictive, after all. It's not their fault they were born this way. While we're at it, pedophiles shouldn't be persecuted because of their sexually deviant nature, right? THEY CAN'T HELP IT!

"So Gooch," you ask, "are you saying that Mo'nique is a pedophile?"

Yes. Yes I am.

People that overindulge in food, alcohol, anything do not love themselves. You have to really be unhappy with yourself to eat copious amounts of food and simply keep buying bigger and bigger clothes. Monique is not a friend to the fat chick.

Drunk Gooch is a friend to the fat chick, however.

I'm kidding.

To summarize and close, Monique, Tyra Banks, any celebrity that promotes unhealthy lifestyles are merely exploiting a group of weak people in an effort to gain a cult following and make money. I believe that everyone should love themselves for who they are.

I also believe that some people (like myself) should love themselves while walking on a treadmill.

goochout.

I think I'm probably the most misunderstood person on the planet. Things I say and do are always perceived differently than I truly intend. I could cure cancer and people would assume that I did it in order to get a blow job from a chemotherapy patient simply to "make it with a bald chick."

Lindsay Lohan. I'd imagine that one of the life rules you take away from rehab is that you stay away from drugs and the drug environment. You don't, as she claims she was doing, hold someone else's cocaine for them. Desparation leads to some pretty bullshit stories. I can't believe I used to jerk off to her. She reminds me of those hot chicks that you meet, hang out with, drink and do drugs with, have sex with, and then she starts banging some other guy because it's "his turn" and then you forget her name. I think Lindsay Lohan is the Hollywood equivalent of every stripper I met in 2006. Good for her. She'll be doing 3AM infomercials for penis enlarging pills by 2008.

goochout.

I hate that the most productive instruments on the planet, computers, are also enabled with the most time wasting instrument on the planet, the world wide web. It's like putting a Game Boy on the end of a surgeon's scalpel. "Sure, I need to make this incision, but maybe I'll see if TMZ's been updated again."

jg|out

I don't trust these motherfuckers.

Respect my obscurity!

BBC: Singer Billy Joel in car accident (4/26/2004)

There was some confusion regarding my Billy Joel reference. The above link should clear it up.

goochout.

Nursed a hangover today while I worked on writing wedding vows for a wedding I'm going to perform this weekend. It's awesome that someone that was so recently jaded on relationships is gearing up to help two people join in marriage, the ultimate relationship. It's like hiring Billy Joel to be a school bus driver.

It's an honor to be asked to perform this wedding as it is for my girlfriend's Mom and Fiancee. I'm going to be in the wedding photos. This is an enormous leap of faith for my GF because there's always the chance that in twenty years the Minister that performed her Mom's wedding will be the forgotten asshole that she used to date.

She's staying at her Mom's for the next couple of days helping set up for the wedding. I'm chilling at the condo without adult supervision. I watched Entourage tonight and I caught a TOTALLY intentional upskirt beav-shot at the opening of the scene at the Finish Line shoe store. High definition TV kicks ass.

I'm gonna get some Z's. Is it weird that I have a laptop computer designated for the nightstand? Is it weird that I use it for something besides porn?

goochout

heh.

goochout.

I'm at the Roadhouse getting drunk. Two fisting a beer and a fruity mispour. So happy. Tonight is going to go awesome. Blogging from my blackberry sucks. Fuck off. Heh. Sobriety is my antidrug.

Since I'm always joking that my friend Ben looks like Jeb Bush, I figured I'd post a picture emailed to me by my friend Marty. He thinks I should sue this guy for ripping off my trademarked look of short hair, toothy white grin, and fake tan:

Nikki (and other friends. And complete strangers, actually) say that I look like Tim Curry:

Others think that I look like this guy:

And by others, I mean me.

pitt:out